Right now there are two groups trying to bring Los Angeles an NFL team. I can’t wait. Like many, I’m a transplant here. And also, like many, my love for my hometown team runs deep. For me it’s Philadelphia Eagles. Seriously, my house has Eagles shirts, jackets, jerseys, signs, trash cans, beer cozies, and inflatable furniture. But I live in Los Angeles now and I need a Los Angeles team to cheer for. The Chargers left us when they were still in pampers; we dated the Raiders in high school but they just wouldn’t put out; we married the Rams and had a couple of kids, but one night we came home and caught the bitch in bed with St. Louis. So we moved to a studio apartment in Silverlake and took up pottery.
Nearly two decades later we could have a new Los Angeles NFL football team! Chances are good we’ll inherit an existing team name. While the Los Angeles Chargers doesn’t sound bad the Los Angeles Bills makes no sense. And just in case they do decide to rename the team I feel compelled to offer my suggestions. Before we end up with the Los Angeles Mucky-Fucks of Anaheim, presented by Verizon.
I present my suggestions for an NFL Los Angeles franchise.
The NFL loves animal-based team names: Eagles, Bears, Falcons, Rams. In fact it’s dominated by animals. The Coyotes sounds appropriate because of our location. Drive around the Valley late at night and you might just run into a coyote. Maybe even Peter Coyote. Plus there’s also the coyotes that smuggle Mexicans across the borders too.
It’s wildfire season! Scary right? I’ve seen a lot of wildfires since I’ve moved to L.A. Destructive little fuckers. It’s time we change that negative into a positive. I can even see the uniforms; a collection of red, white, and black.
Anyone in L.A. knows traffic. Eighteen lanes of what-the-fuck! Los Angeles traffic is an imposing beast. Time to take it from gridlock to gridiron. The only problem is we’ll be late to every game.
This is actually my favorite. I only dropped it to #2 because of the extreme unlikelihood that they would name an NFL team after a race riot. But come on! The Los Angeles Riot? Sweetest damn team name on the planet. Tailgating would include overturned cars and free TV’s. And the logo: a brick.
#1 Honey Badgers
The Honey Badger is one of the most fearsome, scrappy little fighters on the planet. It looks like a crack addicted skunk. Honey Badgers don’t live in Los Angeles, or even North America; so this is a totally random pick. But in case you haven’t heard, Honey Badger don’t give a shit.